It's not that infrequent that I hear people talking about someone's flaws and what this person can do better. And, when I ask, nobody seems to have told anything to this person.
In this post, I will share my view about giving feedback.
Giving feedback is hard
I can't write about giving feedback without recognizing that it's hard. Especially for negative feedback.
It's uncomfortable to walk to someone and tell him that we don't like something he did. We have no idea how he'll react. And it may even hurt the relationship.
I understand people that don't give feedback to others. It feels way more comfortable.
But then we see people complaining about someone else without doing anything to change it.
Giving feedback is a gift
I think that giving feedback is a gift. We barely know how others perceive us. Feedback is a way to learn this.
Giving good feedback makes the person know that what he does is appreciated. It's always nice to know that what we do is noticed and that people think it's good.
But I like even more negative feedback. It's what gives us insight to improve ourselves. If nobody ever tell us what we do badly, we may never know it. And, if we don't know what we are poor at, we cannot improve.
For both these reasons, I deeply believe that we should not hold on giving feedback.
Tips for giving feedback
If we give feedback to someone out of the blue, it can be surprising and make the person defensive.
To avoid surprising the person, here are the principles that I follow to give feedback:
- Ask the person how he would like to receive feedback.
- Ask the person if now is a good time to give feedback. And never give feedback if the person says no.
- Never give feedback in public. Especially negative feedback. Positive feedback might be given in public, but the person might want to hide.
- Give feedback in a non-judgmental way. Tell the impact it has on us and don't tell the other person presumed intent. For positive feedback, it tells that it impacted us in a positive way and this is always nice to hear. And for negative feedback it makes it easier to receive because we don't tell what he did is bad, we tell we didn't like it.
- Ask if the person has questions or wants to discuss what we just said. We should aim to show that we're open to the discussion. After all, we are giving feedback to help the person.
Asking for feedback
Given that giving feedback is hard, asking for feedback can help people talk to us.
By telling others that we would like to get feedback and how they can give feedback to us, we show that we care about what they have to say and are open to critics. Otherwise, we might be the person they talk about behind our back instead of talking to us.
Also, given that it's hard to give feedback, we should never force anyone to give us feedback. Remember, it's a gift they do to us when they give us feedback. It's not polite to force someone to give us a gift. And if the person feel pressured to do so, the gift will be of poor value.
And, when someone finally give us feedback, we should listen with curiosity and without being defensive. Even if we don't agree, there is valuable information in the feedback. Remember, it can show us our blind spots on which we can improve. And we should always thank the person for this precious gift.
Bonus: By asking for feedback, we show vulnerability. And more often than not, showing vulnerability makes us closer to others.